The Inner Child

sarah3030, Leave a comment

I’m not sure I understood what people meant when they expressed that something was “healing their inner child” until yesterday. Rich and I are on a cruise from Tampa to Panama. Last evening while waiting for our 8:30pm dinner time (which feels basically like midnight because we are old people now) we participated in the newer trivia game they hold, where you use your phone to ring in answers. (Side note, I won. I maintain this is more about technique and not wasting time looking at the screen when you can just read the question on your phone.) Immediately following trivia was family karaoke. Rich was dorking around downloading pictures and trying to post some, so we continued to sit there.

The first person up was a 4 year old girl who was going to sing Party in the USA. She bravely stood up at that microphone and her parents and baby brother were in the front row of the lounge cheering her on. The little girl tripped (understandably) over the words in the intro, but when she hit the chorus she was belting out loud and her parents were on their feet waving hands side to side. There were only about 15 other people in the lounge, including us, but you best believe everyone in there was waving their hands. And her mom is filming her and her dad is dancing with the baby brother and each time she belts the chorus the whole room is waving their hands and the parents are letting her own it and celebrating it.

And suddenly I have tears running down my face and I get it. Watching these parents hear their daughter, find a way to let her do her thing, and be supportive…is that all I wanted?

I have a generally firm rule with therapists about not “exploring my childhood.” My current therapist has blurred that line more than anyone else with middling success. But I can’t wait to tell her about this. I didn’t need someone to tell me I was the best singer, or help making this a career, but seeing that some of this outgoing-ness could be channeled and, I keep coming back to these words, seen or celebrated. Yup, this is our daughter and she has different tastes or hobbies than we expected, but I can sit in the front row and wave my hands and she’ll know we support her. I have to balance this with the fact that I did follow paths not like my family. They did show up to theater performances I was in, they did let me paint my bedroom blue with puffy clouds, they did let me move to Disney for an internship. But it seems like all of this was tolerated or explained away. (Again, I certainly did not have a bad childhood, which might be why I don’t want to get into it with therapists. It was good, in some ways above average, I imagine. I like my family, etc.)

Anyway, I don’t know how to explain this, but I know watching this 4 year old belt out Party in the USA with her parents and all having their hands up cracked something inside of me. And now, it becomes part of the self-examined life I try to live.

Little did I know…

sarah3030Leave a comment

The thing making me battiest in this moment is how inconsitently my new laptop connects to my home wifi. There are 30 something devices connected to this wifi – but the Lenovo laptops occasionally crash out over the idea.

I suppose if this is my biggest issue – I’m doing fine.

I went to an open mic night of sorts on Friday. Only to watch, not to speak….although the idea of participating in something like that is intriguing. The theme for this one was “I had to laugh”, stories where things were going so wrong for people and they chose to just dig in and laugh about it. Some were great. Others had potential but the actual story teller made herself so unlikeable immediately that it didn’t work out. This group hosts these occasional themed nights and the next one is:

Surely there is a story in my life that fits this. The one that immediately came to mind was about the woman Ex Husband was seeing a bit after we were divorced. And when they broke up she did not handle it well and took a couple of boxes I had left in the basement of the house and used those to get in touch with me. She wanted to commiserate on how much Ex Husband was a louse and a lunatic and I quickly realized she was not super stable and tried to get out of there. Told her it was fine, she was better off, I had met some fun characters online and dating again would be okay! Only for her to keep revealing layers of this story… ultimately that Ex Hubs had painted me out as this gold-digger…only for the big reveal later that night of finding out the two of them met on Seeking Arrangements, a website for actual gold diggers!!! That was quite an Excuse Me, What kind of moment. I need to figure out if I can tell this in a way that is funny… I mean, I think it’s hilarous now, but does it come across that way to new people. I remember when I told the chocolate milk story (for another time) and thought it was funny and Claire and Becky assured me it was just sad.

Another mild annoyance is the fact that I want all the sewing patterns in the world, and it’s amazing that I can get anything instantly downloaded as long as I’m willing to print it up in 40 pages and tape it all together. This is a real good deal/bad deal situation. I realllly want to try and make this vest by the time we leave for vacation on Friday. I think it will go with the “cruise pants” I made with the Mood Fabric.

The other option I have is trying to alter a couple of tops that I own that are too big now. Or, you know, wearing anything else since my wardrobe has opened up a lot since losing the weight.

Varying degrees of difficult

sarah3030, , Leave a comment

The thing that I knew was going to be hard, and turns out I was correct, is being married to a man with children. I hesitate to even use the word step-mom because thanks to my lack of maternal desire, I see my role as supporting them in becoming non-shitty adults. I’m good for borrowing $10, an occasional ride, making their favorite desserts, cheering at sporting or concert events; but the parentiest thing I do is reminding them to do one of two chores they have around the house. The other things that make me crazy or I think are important I take up with Rich and he handles it from there. The hardest thing is when he parents so wildly different than I would and I just have to deal with it. My future is connected to how these kids continue to grow and evolve and learn to be self-sufficient and while I understand that there’s a real possibility one or both of them are living in our basement at the age of 30….I sure hope not.

Enough of that, let’s talk about something that is difficult, but so enjoyable – my adventures in garment sewing! In 2025 I went all in on quilts. And I have a stack of them to make in 2026 as well, but I decided to dabble in making a pair of pants and now here we are. I was in New York a couple months ago and I made a trip to Mood Fabrics encouraged by a recent rewatch of Project Runway. I found some kind of ridiculous pink and orange fabric that had swing-y, drape-y pants written all over them and now I’m running Sarah’s SweatShop out of the basement. A recent clothing purge also provided fabrics to work on and practice with. A linen dress I’m not going to wear again is becoming a pair of shorts. A strapless sundress recently became a cute summery top. I’ve pivoted from buying quilting fabric to some apparel fabric (with mixed results, I really need to buy that in person while I’m learning about weights and blends and such).

The beginning of a sundress. I didn’t fully comprehend the scale of the print when I bought the fabric. Oh well!

Other things I’m loving in this moment are mornings on the patio, often with at least one pet. Oliver, my 15 year old, best cat ever is my morning patio buddy and I’m so happy it’s warming up so we can do this for the next many months.

The thing about me is…

sarah3030, Leave a comment

I love a clear direction. I love to know what success is. I even love a rule.

The other thing about me is that I have tried unsuccessfully to begin consistently writing for at least the last six years, and really the last ten.. I make strong declarations and follow those with very little action. And then I repeat. And it’s boring. That time is gone and undocumented and what a time it was! Marriage! Pandemics! New jobs! Australian photographer dreams coming true! Italians! Quilts! Pizza Ovens! Better living through science! (Which is my charming way of saying that ADHD and GLP-1 medicines have improved my life in every way and I am so grateful for them.)

I feel jumbled and incomplete without processing it all through words. Silent, written words.

This week I asked my therapist to straight up assign writing to me. See above mentioned thing about me liking direction, add in that I’d hate to disappoint her and here we are.

There is no way to recap 10 years. I’m going to have to let that go and start here.

I just finished reading the book Wellness by Nathan Hill. It was a ride. A few chapters (and a couple margaritas) in I sent a flurry of texts to my cousin. They went like this:

ME: Omg. Let me de-influence you from reading the novel Wellness. It’s about the mundane and minutae of a couple and it is just not settling well.

COUSIN: It sounds so cute and right up our alley from the synopsis, thank you for steering me away from that land mine.

ME: The first chapter was so beautifully written and then it exploded and it is trying to force me to see my life as mundane, but I won’t do it, but also… it knows my soul and it’s so uncomfortable. This is a full on trip.

COUSIN: Oh, now I do sort of want to read it, but a little scared of the soul-seeing.

ME: I honestly don’t know if I’m recommending it or not! It’s like a fun house mirror! I’m so affected.

She goes on to get the book and the next day texts me:

COUSIN: Ok, 24 hours in and about 20% through. This was a very quick read but I am slowing down. Agreed, the first chapter was sweet and darling and so well written. I enjoyed looking through the windows with them. Then the 40’s came. Are we all living the same life? With the same thoughts? Actions? Feelings? Life evolution? Oof, this author needs to get out of my head.

I’ve never had a book experience quite like this before. Unsettling is the best word I can use. I’ve identified with books before. I’ve identified with characters and characteristics. I’ve never felt something get under my skin like this. I need to go back and re-read a few passages and make some notes and think about it. I will say the placebo premise is great and demands a discussion, not just me doing a dissertation of it here. So – get yourself this book, and someone to read it with you, and go crazy.

Crafting through it

sarah3030, , Leave a comment

Last year I made sure to get to some creative projects and it was a success. I mostly rehabbed a chair (I will finish it this year, I need to do it outside and it’s cold out), I quilted Christmas placemats, I made Friendship Bracelet Christmas tree garland, I watercolored fruit and disco balls and a few other things. I enjoyed having the sewing machine out and cleaned up the basement enough to set up my sewing table without blocking the workout space so I could do more sewing in 2025. I then had the ambitious idea to make my nieces a quilt for this Christmas. I know full well, and my sister has already cautioned me, they will not think this is an amazing Christmas gift, but my dad got my sisters and I a quilt when we were about their age for Christmas and it was special. My mother is certainly not a quilter, so Aunt Sarah is going to have to take this up.

I found a fun pattern for my oldest niece (11). She’s a little wacky and all over the place and this pattern is a little all over the place. It require lots of novelty fabric scraps. Luckily, I learned there’s a market to buy fabric scraps on Etsy. I purchased a few bundles and got some real gold for the project. In addition, there were lots of scraps that are perfect for my new favorite little gift craft – coffee sleeves. I had a reusable coffee sleeve that I used and loved for a few years until I accidentally threw it away with my coffee one day. So when I needed to start getting some sewing practice in AND had all of this fabric – I decided to make some and send them to friends during this time of existential dread.

Coffee sleeves from the cutest Sleeping Beauty fabric

I sent those off to my friend Jenna, along with a matching Sleeping Beauty quilted coaster. I was pretty pleased. I made a couple others last night to send as Valentine’s treats for some friends and will make a few more this week. I made a cute card and who doesn’t like a fun surprise in the mail?!

I’ve also resurrected some knitting projects and continue to teach myself new crochet stitches. Anything to keep my hands busy and avoid the doomscroll.

Reclaiming my space

sarah3030Leave a comment

Could the pending collapse of social media as we’ve known it be the thing that makes writing stick?

Let’s find out.

I am 45. The year is 2025. It seems THRIVE is sitting right there as word of the year. I have a word of the year worksheet I’m going to spend time with this weekend and make sure I really connect to something this year. The year that I’m sneaking myself back into my own life.

What does that mean?

  • It means I bought a new comforter for our bed that I’ve been coveting for a while and I’m making the bed each day and putting pretty throw pillows on it. When I lived alone I had such a pretty monochromatic cream bedroom and I kept it clean and put together because it looked so nice that way. I’m getting back to that.
  • When cleaning up some stuff in the basement I came across a zip loc bag full of stuff I pulled off my fridge in my last house. One of the things is a picture of me hugging the KitchenAid mixer box on Christmas morning 2003. I always had that picture on the side of my fridge. It has been added to the side of this fridge.
  • I added a gallery wall to my home office of pictures I love that represent how I’m feeling now. The vibe in which I’m trying to evoke as I move forward. There are champagne coups and disco balls and homages to Sherbet Birdie.

When I moved in with Rich and the boys to our new to all of us house, I prioritized that it feel comfy for all of us, and I still think that’s important. But I’ve been getting glimmers of me in weird little things and I’m noticing them and pulling them forward.

Grand Slam

sarah3030, , , , , Leave a comment

Let’s do some Australia recapping, shall we?

We left Friday and arrived to Melbourne on Sunday morning. Rich and I got in a few hours sooner than the rest of our group, so we made our way to the house and then headed out to the cafe I posted pictures of for breakfast. We rested until the rest of the group got here and then once everyone was freshened up we headed to a gastro pub type place for lunch. I had a Fizzer, which is a really light cider type beer. They asked if I wanted ice in it, which is new to me and ciders, but when in Oz. We decided to take a walk towards where the tennis stadiums are and get the lay of the land. We were going to pivot into the Royal Botannical gardens and take in the views and just chill.

Of course, I am not quite chill. And I had not adjusted to vacation mode with others yet. It will take another day or two from this point to get into this mode. I had done so much work to get us here from a planning perspective, that a little directional help from others would have been welcome. So, for now, I remain a little uptight, a little unsure of where we are or what day it is, and a little annoyed.

We decide from there that we want to try this pizza place that was voted as the top in Melbourne, and one of the top in the world for dinner that night. We make the reservation for 8pm and everyone takes naps in the meantime. Pizza was delicious (it’s the 48 hour cold fermentation! Must remember to make doughs more in advance at home.) and we saw the South Yarra neighborhood, which looked very hip.

Monday was downtown day. We trammed into the Flinder’s Street Station, which is the building on much of Melbourne’s City Guides and promotional materials when you’re looking up Melbourne. We started with an alleyway breakfast (which was very good), and then wandered through some of the old arcades. These are buildings built in the late 1890’s during the Australian Gold Rush and are now eclectic little shopping malls. We poked around and then made our way to the State Library of Victoria. From there we grabbed the city center tram and Rex, Rich and I decided to go to this kooky art exhibit I had read about and Jenna and Shawn decided to do a full loop on the city loop tram. The art exhibit was absolutely wackadoodle, which I loved. Some highlights:

  • Banana taped to a wall with duct tape that the artists insists is changed out every 7 – 10 days and it’s a commentary on interacting with art.
  • A video installation of a woman interpreting all the emojis in photographs
  • Sculpture of birds on a tree
  • Sculpture of old furniture legs turned into a piece that looks like a fallen tree as a memorandum on how we just discarded furniture that the tree gave it’s life for
  • Super bizarre animated video screens decrying commercialism and immorality

Lifetime of memories, right there. After that we met back up for lunch along the river and then back to apartment to rest / be done for the rest of the day it turns out.

Tuesday was the Australian Open Day! Rich has a goal to attend the four Grand Slam tournaments: AO, Wimbledon, US Open and French Open. The whole group got seats for the afternoon session and Rich and Rex added on the evening session. I love a festive atmosphere and getting to the Open grounds was so fun. We got there right when it opened, got free seat cushions and sunscreen, meet the most wonderful volunteer Kathleen who oriented us to the spaces and courts available. We went shopping immediately so Rich could get his pick of merch. He’s not a jump up and down squealing kind of guy, but I’m pretty sure he was on Cloud 9. We got lunch and drinks and then made our way to the court for the noon match, which was the number one woman in the world, playing an American who has previously won the tournament. It is by far the most tennis I’ve watched and Jenna summed it up well that all sports are so much better live. I’ve tried to watch tennis on TV. I find it boring. I also don’t understand the scoring which makes it hard to follow. Rich had given me a lesson I paid attention to earlier in the day and I was ready to be at the AO.

Our first match was the number one ranked woman against American Sophia Kenin who won this championship in 2020, but has not played much in the last few years. It was a great match to watch to introduce myself to live tennis. Rich was a great sport when we had questions. It’s a quieter sport with almost no down time. The second match we had tickets to was a young Danish player vs Yoshi, a fast and more experienced player. It was really exciting (even if I find tennis matches go on a little long) and we were sad Yoshi didn’t beat the kid, but the kid did win more gracefully than he played.

The AO grounds become THE place to be after work and as we were leaving people were streaming in to just chill in the party atmosphere. Rich and Rex were sticking around for the evening session, so Jenna, Shawn and I ended up walking back to the house due to delays on the tram system and being READY to be done. We picked up poke bowls on the way back for dinner and ate at the house.

As an aside from the chronological review, it turns out my patience can be thin even with the closest of friends when I feel annoyed. Working on it.

Anyway – there are the recaps of full days 1 and 2 in Melbourne!

Looking at the world from the other side

sarah3030Leave a comment

Here is what we’re not going to do. We’re not going to spend many, many dollars and fly halfway around the globe and not document it. We’re going to start where we are. We’re going to capture the life.

With that, here I sit in Melbourne, Australia. I’m on the patio of the home Rich, Rex, Jenna, Shawn and I are renting for another couple days before we take off for Sydney for about a week and then a couple days on the Great Barrier Reef. The trip we started talking about in, I don’t know, 2018 or 2019. The trip that seemed to live in the abstract more than a real thing until the day before we left. And now we’re here. Tomorrow we’ll go to the Australian Open and watch the best woman in the world play her preliminary tennis match.

It’s sunny and warm and there is a great breeze blowing through the palm and lime trees in this back yard.

It’s still early 2024. The horoscopes generally tell me this is a good year for Libra. It’s been a minute since I would have called it a good year. I mean, good things are happening all the time. And I’m lucky and fortunate, and I don’t ever forget that. But the last couple years of this job have been HARD. The word I most use to describe last year is « joyless ». Who wants that kind of year? This has to be the year I get out of that definition.

Year of magical thinking? Year of epic, magical comebacks? Year of looking forward to tomorrow? That sounds good.

Rich and I got breakfast before the others arrived. We walked a couple blocks to this cafe called My Oh My and the menu had a tagline about magic. And they brought coffee with a little sparkling water chaser. And then when I finished my coffee there was a message imprinted in the ceramic, reminding me to manifest original moments. I immediately declared Australia a magical place.

I have an appointment with Sherbet Birdie photography, aka Sasha Dobies, when I’m in Sydney later this week. I cannot believe this thing is happening. I cannot believe this person who I’ve been following from oceans away is going to know who I am. I made a playlist called Sherbet Birdie Magic to listen to while I’m there. Hoping it will keep me calm and also give me a little confidence and help me relax while I’m at this thing I’ve wanted to do for so, so long. I obviously added a couple songs by my new favorite Taylor Swift. But some Zumba songs from way back that I love. And songs that I think of when I lived alone in the coffee shop apartment or Eastmoor Manor. Songs that helped me train for runs.

Where did you go, Sarahdette

sarah3030Leave a comment

It is very surprising to me how difficult it has been to get back to writing. Therapist is asking me to do it every day. I’ve joined 30 day journaling groups. I miss it and want to do it. I feel I’ve lost years of stories and memories and processing time to this years long writer’s block. A me who writes is more clever, more engaged in my life, more aware and I’ll say it – not a terrible writer.

It is no joke about losing it if you’re not using it. I am fumbling my way back so very much.

I am currently on vacation. This was a solid compromise kind of vacation between Rich and I. He gets a cruise, I get new to me cities, and it’s working out. We boarded a ship yesterday in LA and we’re heading north to Seattle, Victoria, BC and Vancouver. I’ll pay homage to Starbucks, see Pikes Place Market, and the Space Needle in Seattle (not to mention give a little nod to the city that my long running Grey’s Anatomy took place in). I’m going to high tea at the Empress Hotel in Victoria while Rich goes on a salmon fishing excursion. There’s also a miniature museum next to the hotel so a big afternoon is anticipated by all. That actually made Rich feel better about us doing separate things that day. One mention of my genuine excitement to swing by the miniature museum and the cost of salmon fishing seemed perfectly acceptable. We’re staying a couple of days in Vancouver and one day is supposed to be very rainy and gross. There is an art museum that might be on the agenda for that day, and we’re near the Vancouver Chinatown if there are breaks in the rain. I’m hoping our last full day clears up so we can hike the suspension bridges and falls just north of Vancouver.

And then back home. I had not great vacation luck in 2022 and also desperately needed a few days to legitimately unplug. I was hesitant about going and longed for it. So far so good. No one is sick, no one is crashing the trip and generally ruining it. So, we’re ahead of 2022.

I’m sitting along a giant wall of windows on this ship, in a bar that isn’t open yet and looking at the water, sipping coffee and things are good.

I have a lot of writing prompts I’ve been saving for when motivation struck. I have a lot of things about May/the recent full moon/astrology as prompts for when I decided to lean into that guidance from the universe.

And maybe I’ll pick this up again later today with those things. For now, I think I’m going to do another thing on the therapist’s to do list – create something. Maybe some coloring is in order. Or I’ll find the empty nightclub and so some dancing. Maybe I’ll wait for the bran muffin to settle (I’m reaching peak middle aged lady – crushing, bran muffins, I wore a scarf yesterday that Rich said is something he imagines his mother wearing) before the dancing.

Still Survivor’ing after all this time

sarah3030Leave a comment

I remain a big fan of the TV show Survivor. I have been watching consistently since season 2 (still have never watched 1st season). The game has evolved after 23 years and 44 seasons of play, it must. That doesn’t mean I love every evolution. Lately I was waxing poetic about how much better the game was before there were so many assumed hidden immunity idols, how alliances used to mean something, and so on… so I got a hankering to go back and watch some old seasons. And now I’m in a loop where I worry I’ll need to watch alllll the seasons. They used to change locations! Challenges felt longer and more complex. Some of the newer challenges look like they’re at Disneyland.

Has my own evolution made me less interesting? That’s a great question. Seriously, it is giving me literal pause as I type. I do feel I used to be able to turn the mundane into whimsical and interesting retellings. I’m sooo out of practice. I’m out of practice being my favorite version of me as therapist Heather pointed out.